(Foxborough, M.A., July 31, 2015) – It looks like the hooded-one has duped the entire NFL once again. The Patriots off season which has been embroiled in controversy over the scandal dubbed “DeflateGate” seems to have been the brainchild of one man: Bill Belichick.
Sources say this shocking revelation came about through secret files leaked Monday at practice. NFL Expert Joe Burke stated, “Well what’s the one major problem all Super Bowl Champions suffer from? It’s motivation. Teams routinely get hit with the “Super Bowl Hangover” and have lackluster follow up season. Well not that Pats, this year, they’re ready to run through walls and make the whole league pay.”
It’s reported the extra motivation has already caused the defensive line to all add 50lbs to their bench and tackle dummies with colt players have been repeatedly blown apart in practice.
How did Bill pull off such a devious scheme? It all came about during the AFC Championship game. A leaked recording of Belichick stated, “I got tipped off that Mike Kensil, that lil pipsqueak, was concerned about the air pressure in our balls. I saw him prancing around our sidelines and I said to Josh, he’s so hot for me, we give him a whiff of my ass, he’ll crawl right in it. Originally we were just going to mess with him, had the ball guys go in the bathroom with the balls to ruffle that geek Kensil’s feathers, but it took a whole life of it’s own…and I decided to use it to my advantage.”
Leading up to the Super Bowl, where the Patriots should of just had to concentrate on how to trick the Seahawks into throwing at the one-yard line, Bill and Tom were both thrown into the forefront of the media and forced to do interviews. Bill said, “When I had to go out there and talk about the stupid air pressure of the ball, that’s what really got me thinking to turn this into motivation for us. The media circus was waste of time, but I did drop the classic I’m not going to say I’m Mona Lisa Vito of the football line (chuckles Belichick).”
From there Bill influenced the puppet Goodell into hiring the inept Ted Wells. “Wells went to Holy Cross on a football scholarship, but decided not to play football (THIS IS TRUE), I knew a man with character like that would make a report with more holes than a block of cheddar cheese.”
The rest is history, but it begs the question? Yes, the Pats are motivated in a Us vs. The World mentality, but at what cost to Bill’s friend & quarterback Tom Brady? Why put him through this.
“Tom’s the one that needed the motivation the most. How do you motivate a guy that has already overcame splitting time in college, being drafted in the 6th round to go on and win 4 Super Bowls, 3 Super Bowl MVPs, and is married to the top super model in the world? You give him another mountain to climb. Tom is going to come out throwing lazer beams next season.”
And all the hoopla about Tom getting rid of his phone. “He upgraded his phone. He’s a millionaire; you don’t think they get nice new things? If I was married to Gisele I wouldn’t want the goon Goodell looking at the pictures she sent me either. And for the old phone, yeah I was behind that too. I had Gronk ask if he could play Angry Birds on it and then Gronk Smash it into 1,000 pieces.”
The lost draft picks? Bill laughs it off also, “Ha draft picks, I’m just gonna just trick the Raiders again and get their next 5 1st rounders for someone on our scout team.”
With all of this coming to light, it’s going to make for an interesting season. Anyone worried about a Patriot’s Super Bowl hangover can forget about it. The Pat’s have drunken their Gatorade and had an Advil. In fact with Bill’s mastermind of DeflateGate they just chugged a RedBbull of motivation and are on the hunt, ready for more.
Now only if he can do something about that secondary….
(For those of you who don’t get satire, this is satire, don’t sue me)